Sunday, January 17, 2010

Words for Women to Live By :)

1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every color.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.

8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2010 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember where ever there is a good looking; sweet, single or married man there is some woman tired of his bullshit!

13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest.

14. If it has Tires or Testicles it's gonna give you trouble.

15. By the time a women realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.

'Good friends are like stars.........You don't always see them, but you know they are always there' 'Remember yesterday, dream about tomorrow, but live for today'.

Thursday, January 14, 2010


I sinned today. I fagged. Did I feel guilty? I don’t know. I was just numb with the pain that preceded the longing. That probably sounds escapist. I admit that before I took the plunge (as dramatic as it sounds), I did imagine my mom’s expression when she would know her daughter fags, at least ten times. But today was it. I had decided. I had to do it. I was searching for my friend, who had dissuaded me several times from doing it, in the past. Where was he? Damn! He was busy in a meeting. Ok, I caught this other chick who had just joined the organization. She was fun, another one like me, in the same plight too. We went to the hangout, the terrace. I only intended to ask her which one I should buy, since it was my first and she was quite experienced. So she told me since it was my first, I should take what she had with her at that time, something light, a Marlboro. Ok, I agreed. And together we went to the terrace. She kept telling me shes guilty. Shes sweet. I told her its ok. Its totally my call.

And then I did it. How did it feel? I didn’t feel anything at all. I asked her whether I was so numb with the mental pain and anguish that I cant even feel the cigarette in my mouth??? And she told me the art of doing it the right way. I still didn’t inhale it deep. It was just an experience. No effect. No lightness that I was hoping for. And we went back.

Just as we reached, I found my friend waiting around. And I took him and another friend as they too were going out for a smoke. He was my trusted friend. So I told him I want to “feel” it and feel light. And he tried his best to dissuade me in his usual “smart with words” way. I didn’t give up. I don’t know why I was so stubborn today. I took one, and had more or less the same experience as the last. Except that I felt it touching my insides a bit, so I coughed a bit. That was about it.
It didn’t feel any different. Perhaps I didn’t do it the right way. The only difference was I wasn’t allergic to the smoke any more. And I was rid of the bias in my mind. Cuz I knew what it feels like to be on the other side.

Yet another experiment with my life, with my body this time. And yes, I am not thinking any more. So no more conscience pricking. I wont do it if I don’t feel like it. A lot of sermonizing happened in my mind afterwards. About all my ideals, my parents and their reactions, when I imagined it all, most of all the oral cancer and lung cancer dialogue that my friends had just tried.

But at the end of the day I told myself—I know I have sinned. Its totally my call.


It aint no fun being a girl with no shield around you. I realized this sad truth and let this painful vulnerability hide under the various layers that I drew upon myself over the years. At every moment if there was anything that I guarded the most, it was my strength. I couldn’t let it waver—that inner strength that I was introduced to, in me, three years ago in the most tumultuous phase of my life till then. I had never seen myself through those eyes till then. And when I finally did, I realized what I am really worth. And who I wanted to be worthy of.

And here I am now. How am I feeling? Wretched, unhappy, disillusioned, humiliated, uncared for, unloved, taken for granted, miserable, useless, wasted, hopeless, shattered, worn out, crushed, devastated, depressed, pathetic, suicidal, disillusioned, mutilated, murdered…

Do I want to avenge the pain? No. I just want it to pass.