Why was I getting pissed at his comment, I wondered. I could feel the smoke rising up and out of my ears over and over again. This was nothing unusual. Then why do I react so much? And when will I learn to simply not take it in. I sigh to myself. What is preventing me from doing that ‘take-a-deep-breath’ exercise to calm myself down? My ego. I had the answer. And I had the next question ready too. Am I enjoying the pain, the irritability, the anger? When I know its not good for me, then why am I not doing something about it? Perhaps this is one question I will never find an answer to, ever!
For a lot of people like me, in my generation (I don’t know much about the older one here), this is a common issue—not knowing why we make the same folly every time. All that we’re left with, is a sigh. I don’t like this sort of an existence. After a point of time, you get used to it, and then when you want to come out of it, you realize you’re just too old to change now. What the hell!
Am I really too old to change? I doubt so. The way I see it, I am never too old to change. And why is it a crime to change once you know WHAT you have to and what you WANT to change about yourself? Why must I be seen as a hypocrite if I want to change something about myself? There is a thin line there, I guess. Either I change what I need to change about myself and do it fast, or change what I WANT to change and subsequently follow the crowd. That is not changing, then. That is simply, aping. And very equivalent to monkeying around too.
Perhaps what is needed is to just be simple. Know what is good for you. Know what is not good for you. And most of us are endowed with a moderately sensible notion of good and bad in our mind. And you cannot deny that there IS a good and a bad, a black and a white. And a grey. What we need to know is that you do not need to stick to either the black or the white, the good or the bad. Just on the stuff that lies in the middle. The greys. Its ok to have a bit of black and bit of white in you. Whats important is to KNOW them all—the blacks, the whites and the greys. KNOW them and your conscience will take care of the rest.
Now that I am through with the post, I guess I can do that ‘take-a-deep-breath’ exercise. But hey, I might drop off. Hell, what was it all about in the first place?!