I sinned today. I fagged. Did I feel guilty? I don’t know. I was just numb with the pain that preceded the longing. That probably sounds escapist. I admit that before I took the plunge (as dramatic as it sounds), I did imagine my mom’s expression when she would know her daughter fags, at least ten times. But today was it. I had decided. I had to do it. I was searching for my friend, who had dissuaded me several times from doing it, in the past. Where was he? Damn! He was busy in a meeting. Ok, I caught this other chick who had just joined the organization. She was fun, another one like me, in the same plight too. We went to the hangout, the terrace. I only intended to ask her which one I should buy, since it was my first and she was quite experienced. So she told me since it was my first, I should take what she had with her at that time, something light, a Marlboro. Ok, I agreed. And together we went to the terrace. She kept telling me shes guilty. Shes sweet. I told her its ok. Its totally my call.
And then I did it. How did it feel? I didn’t feel anything at all. I asked her whether I was so numb with the mental pain and anguish that I cant even feel the cigarette in my mouth??? And she told me the art of doing it the right way. I still didn’t inhale it deep. It was just an experience. No effect. No lightness that I was hoping for. And we went back.
Just as we reached, I found my friend waiting around. And I took him and another friend as they too were going out for a smoke. He was my trusted friend. So I told him I want to “feel” it and feel light. And he tried his best to dissuade me in his usual “smart with words” way. I didn’t give up. I don’t know why I was so stubborn today. I took one, and had more or less the same experience as the last. Except that I felt it touching my insides a bit, so I coughed a bit. That was about it.
It didn’t feel any different. Perhaps I didn’t do it the right way. The only difference was I wasn’t allergic to the smoke any more. And I was rid of the bias in my mind. Cuz I knew what it feels like to be on the other side.
Yet another experiment with my life, with my body this time. And yes, I am not thinking any more. So no more conscience pricking. I wont do it if I don’t feel like it. A lot of sermonizing happened in my mind afterwards. About all my ideals, my parents and their reactions, when I imagined it all, most of all the oral cancer and lung cancer dialogue that my friends had just tried.
But at the end of the day I told myself—I know I have sinned. Its totally my call.